Yesterday was almost 70 degrees here in the delta, and forwarded mail finally started showing up at my apartment.
Both of these things let me know that it was time to say goodbye. I had been waiting for a warm day to go collect my bike (the last thing) from the M’s house, since I would have to walk over and ride it back to my place. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that M has moved on with great gusto, which has re-incited a lot of rage I thought I had gotten ahold of (which is to say, a lot of grief that I don’t know how to deal with, right?). I’m taking it as grace — a sign that I’m doing the better thing, and repenting of things like pride, which has given me the ass-kicking of a lifetime.
And I’m tired of leaving my heart susceptible to the same kind of hurt, so many times, so I left my house key. The bills are paid and everything is separated, so there are no more reasons for us to see each other or speak. (Besides that, it’s very eerie to speak with ghosts — if I can say that without sounding too dramatic.)
I spent most of the afternoon out walking through neighborhoods, listening to music, because I needed to be among living things, and I think sunlight has healing properties. See how healthy I am?
In a few weeks we will go separately (I hope) to sign the final documents, and that will be the end. somehow. People are telling me there will be a new beginning after that, which I mostly believe.
Also — I will be 24 on Friday? What a curious thing, this life.